I've been through a lot in my life; more misery, pain and suffering than any one person has a right to go through, not that my brand of it is the worst any one person can go through though. I've been the target of bullying and harassment. I've struggled coming to terms with my truth. I've been through the darkness and I've been in the light. But most importantly I know in my heart what love is, truly. I can't say I've experienced true love from another but I can say that I have it for myself...and there are the highs and lows that go with it.
Coming to terms with being transgender has made it possible to be able to love myself, all the suffering I've been through in my life has culminated to allowing myself to come out the other end stronger, tougher and being able to express my boundaries. When you've been through trauma, especially physical abuse, it can be extremely hard to know how to see yourself in any positive way and even harder to express what you can't or won't tolerate. I've seen this firsthand. Not that I've ever experience that worst physical abuse, but I've had a minor helping of it in my life.
It takes years of building trust within yourself for your own person, understanding the tenderness of your own heart to realize who you are. Not everyone is blessed to find that tenderness. I count myself as one the lucky ones that knows the tenderness in my heart. That tenderness leaves me open to crushing lows and exalted highs. And those feelings can be a one way street some days and other days it can be the opposite. Most of my days have balance to them...but the days where I am emotionally strung out or circumstances beyond my control affect me adversely are typically not good ones.
Anything experienced throughout my day, from listening to music and watching movies to talking with other people in video/voice chat or communicating with others on social media and/or internet forums, can bring out that tenderness I have for myself. The curse of being a hopeful romantic, a single hopeful romantic, is that I have walked this planet without ever knowing romantic love...and there are days where that really hurts, painfully hurts. It is what I pine for, what I need in my life and to wake up everyday to a world that seems to be getting more schizophrenic and reclusive with more people retreating from others and trust is becoming a rare commodity makes it harder to potentially find someone special.
The other side of the spectrum of being a hopeful romantic is that a lot of days I can be perfectly content with who I am and where I am in my life. Do I want more for myself? Abso-freaking-lutely...which is why I am making way more of an effort to be seen online. It takes time and patience to build something that other people can take an interest in. I already have a small community of people that support me, and I am grateful for that...the fact that my life has touched other lives is what helps get out of bed and strive to create more content so that I can reach even more people. I don't need the love of another person to complete me, but I certainly want it. The curse is the loneliness, but the blessing is knowing I am not alone...and I have the wisdom to know the difference between the two.
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